What’s Really Behind Your Anxiety
Here’s a viewpoint you’re not hearing too often: the problem isn’t your anxiety, but rather your avoidance of anxiety.
Look at the situations in your life where anxiety shows up…
- You’re afraid to share your opinion in a conversation and embarrassed when you do.
- You’re working on a difficult project and you get stuck because you’re imagining failure.
- You’re performing on stage or speaking publicly and you freak out.
- You’re unable to focus because you’re so worried about what people think.
The “standard narrative” is that life would be perfect if only you could get rid of the anxiety.
Maybe it’s true that your anxiety is the root of all your problems.
But, let’s look at what we know for a fact: when you’re in these situations, you’re not being your best self.
You’re not sharing your opinion, and thus people don’t know much about you.
You’re not taking risks in front of audiences, so you’re not reaping the benefits of risk-taking and never getting into an absorbed flow state.
You’re not putting your work out there until it’s “done”, and thus it never sees the light of day. As a result, you’re not helping very many people, not making much money, not being the most effective person you could be.
So, not only do you have the anxiety itself to worry about…you’ve also got all the “second-order” effects of anxiety.
Deep down, you’re asking yourself…
- “Why can’t I socialize like a normal person?”
- “Why can’t I focus like a normal person?”
- “Why can’t I have a socially-acceptable opinion/personality like a normal person?”
The shame goes even deeper.
Are you simply unlikeable? Shouldn’t you be able to deal with this? There’s gotta be something wrong with you. I mean, look: you’re way behind schedule compared to everyone else.
The future is bleak. What if these things never got fixed? Will you die alone? Will you be a failure? Will you get off track and get left behind by life?
You can’t even do normal things…making phone calls, having difficult conversations, completing projects. It feels overwhelming.
If you could wave a magic wand and eliminate the anxiety, you would. If you could somehow feel comfortable doing all those difficult things, you would.
With the anxiety gone, you’d be able to stop avoiding uncomfortable tasks and situations.
You’d be able to stop turning down responsibilities just so you can feel safer. You’d be able to stop lowering expectations for yourself.
So, how do we fix anxiety…?
How do we get to a point where anxiety loses its edge, where you’re doing those difficult things (happily, even), you take on bigger and better projects, and where you live as the best version of yourself?
“No, Michael, this is starting to sound scary. I’d rather scream and run into the mountains and hide there forever. That’ll make me feel better.”
The urge to run is normal and not a problem.
In fact: none of your urges are problems.
Are you ready to meet yourself where you are and observe your anxiety with acceptance?
Because that’s what it will take to get a handle on it. I mean, you’ve already tried other things, haven’t you?
- You’ve tried forcing yourself to socialize.
- You’ve tried talking yourself out of your anxiety by convincing yourself it’s no big deal.
- You’ve even tried meditation.
But, it was all aimed at getting rid of the anxiety…which is why it didn’t work. Anxiety has to be accepted willingly. Then, and only then, will it be willing to go away.
You see, anxiety’s job is to protect you. So, as long as you’re worried, desperately trying to change the present moment, the anxiety is going to be there, helping you.
Do you see the paradox?
By definition, if you don’t accept your feelings (including anxiety), you’ll be anxious.
“Anything worth doing is worth doing poorly.” —Marshall Rosenberg (founder of Nonviolent Communication)
I struggled with social anxiety and performance anxiety (as a classical musician). I read lots of self-help books, saw therapists and took pills. Some of that helped, but I knew there was something missing because I could see that I was avoiding anxious-provoking situations.
Meditation helped me, and that’s why I want to share it with you.
I dream of a world where all human beings are equipped to experience their own experiences without judgment. We’ll get a lot done and we’ll have more fun doing it. And, we’ll accept our mistakes and each others’.
(Read more about the No Problem meditation course.)
